iSkRamboLd th0ugHtS

i have found a new fave drink. it comes in a petite brown bottle labeled Mudshake Chocolate Vodka. yes, my dad bought a bottle for meand i swear i am going to cut my weekly expenses to save seventy buckeroos a week to buy one bottle of Mudshake. once a week, i ought to get myself wasted. joking. milk is my hard liqour remember. beer doesn’t sove anything, neither does milk. so what the heck. let’s try vodka! *jumps with peevish excitement*  i do not plan on turning myself into an alcoholic. i promised myself and i intend to keep it.

worse comes to worst, the most i could do is my intake of water to gallons after gallons of coffee. black. no cream, no sugar. not decaf. black coffee straight up, preferably on the rocks. perhaps the roasted bitterness of brewed coffee beans could thaw my acerbic mood. heh.

as for mudshake, once a month will do. i suppose.

all hell and damnation. i can NOT get Usher’s U Got It Bad out of my head. yes, yes, it’s RnB, so and so. it’s not my fault. I Got It Bad too. [note: lyrics are in italics]

When you feel it in your body
You found somebody who makes you change your ways
Like hanging with your crew
Said you act like you’re ready
But you don’t really know
And everything in your past - you wanna let it go

every fiber of my being is still repulsed though i am well enough. no, recovery doesn’t happen overnight, over a week, over a month. it’s not as simple as some people think. people expect me to forgive AND forget almost instataneously. yes,  my socializing self has greatly changed–no one must remind me of my nemesis. i suppose there are only two ways to get rid for this horrible memory: one, to alter myself altogether. adapt a new personality, change myself inside out, be a different person however you want to see it. that includes being detached from people around me, such and such. or, everyone’s last resort. eehhhhh no, i’m not doing that. i refuse to give my nemesis an easy victory. not a chance.

I’ve been there, done it, fucked around
After all that - this is what I found
Nobody wants to be alone
If you’re touched by the words in this song
Then baby…

see, what ticks me off is that everyone assumes that everything’s fine, everything’s back to normal. see?! again i am not understood, feelings disregarded and whatever i said just passed the other ear. AS USUAL. good god! can’t i just go at my own pace to patch myself here and there. i’m trying my best you know. trying, trying, trying EVERY SINGLE DAY. and trying doesn’t even mean i’m alright. and still, again and again, i am asked if it’s still too complicated or am i alright or is everything alright. either people refuse look beyond what they want to see, assuming what they want to think, or its just me hurting myself. whichever way it goes, it is not helping me at all. not at all. it’s like treating a problem with a panacea or  perhaps just grope a bit for that reset button, give it a little press and poof! eveything will be OK when it’s back on. time and time again i said it’s not like that. it is NOT that simple.

U got, u got it bad
When you’re on the phone
Hang up and you call right back
U got, u got it bad
If you miss a day without your friend
Your whole life’s off track
You know you got it bad when you’re stuck in the house
You don’t wanna have fun
It’s all you think about
U got it bad when you’re out with someone
But you keep on thinkin’ bout somebody else
U got it bad

when you’re with someone and you keep on thnking about somebod else. INSECURITY. pop trivia: cases of insecurity takes years to recover from, probably a lifetime or worse, one never gets over insecurities. it settles in that dark pit of a gut and resurfaces every time it is triggered. hell, i may be enjoying myself with this and that, lounging around, clicking on that virtual map, hanging out with friends but i never fail to remember HER. who is she anyway? she means nothing to me. but she became my nemesis. tsk tsk such cruel fate. my life is off track. i hope to keep my academics intact but the rest of "me" is a wreck. i got it really really really bad. i wasn’t cheated but it felt like i was was plus something else. still i am misunderstood.

you know, the thing i hate the most about myself is that i perfectly understood and that i will follow it. then again, i won’t. i dont like that about myself but i absolutely hate it when other people do that to me. especially if they gave me their word. well… people don’t keep track of their vows anyway.

i swear to say that i am honestly irresponsible to a point. i dn’t know to what extend i do to actually improve myself. but really. let’s be honest. some people, they just say things to make you feel better at the moment. then you end up frustated at them because they didn’t keep thier vow. words are empty. they are worthless. people who say things to please you are WORTHLESS people. people who apologize but redo the same offense are WORTHLESS. i hate promises because they are just words. merely words. words are empty. words are worthless. so are the people who are sourse of empty words. my temper can not handle people who are worthless and stupid. exactly why i’m mostly annoyed at various people for various reasons. call it pride, whatever you want. sure, i’m arrogant and full of pride. go curse me to hell.  at least in hell i don’t get to sulk about my worthlessness.

i just need a sign. just one sign. see, i don’t want to HEAR that i am valuable. i don’t want to READ messages that says i’m valuable. i want to FEEL that i am valuable. just one sign. and i haven’t felt it. not yet. i don’t want to be patronized. i’m merely a teenage girl at the brink of isanity waiting for one god damn sign that i am worth coming home to. or worth someone’s time. just one painstaking god damn sign. not words. …but wht if there won’t be any signs? would that mean i’m better off alone?….

-fin-

hate list update:
*this is an update of things i have started to hate. i used to like, and at some point LOVE, these. since she came into my life….i don’t even want to say more.

- the anime "Beck"
- Beck’s OST Moon On The Water
- the anime "Bleach"
- the band Asian Kung Fu Generation
- myself

She said
"don’t, don’t let it go to your head 
Boys like you are a dime a dozen"
She said
"you’re a touch overrated,
you’re a lush and I hate it
but these grass stains on my knees
they won’t mean a thing"

And all I
Need to know
Is that I’m something you’ll be missing
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that far
Maybe I should hate you for this
Never really did ever quite get that…

I’d never lie to you

Unless I had to
I’ll do what I got to
Unless I had to
I’ll do what I got to, the truth
is you could slit my throat
And with my one last gasping breath
I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt

Cause I’m a wishful thinker with the worst intentions
This will be the last chance you get to drop my name

If I’m just bad news, then you’re a liar (Maybe I should…)
If I’m just bad news, then you’re a liar (…hate you for this)

Maybe I should hate you for this
(If only you knew half as much as you pretend to)

yeah, heard that right. i have a fractured bone. it was confirmed earlier this morning when my dad finally got around to get me to an orthopedic. i most likely had this fracture about 3 weeks ago in the heat of an argument where i delibirately planted a solid punch on a concrete wall. HAH! for one moment i thought i could Extremity Fist the wall to dust but when the pain set in, i felt more stupid by the minute. my anger got the better of me abd i ended up on the losing end in so many ways such as losing my self confidence, a fractured bone, insecurity and the like. on the other hand, the other party walked away with nothing but a bump on the head and nothing more than a minor heads-up thought. i realized that i’m no real-life Monk; i just have a transcended character in an MMORPG who can do killer damage with one punch. as if i haven’t damaged my hand enough, i played bowling 10 days after the punching incident. that and various other abuses and mishaps that befall my injured hand; that includes one time when my friend squeezed my hand really hard and left me shrieking in agony at the school canteen. sheesh.

so earlier, the orthopedic tried to set the fracture by applying pressure on the fissured area but…………i fainted. the pain was so god-damn unbearable plus i was hungry [it was almost lunch time and i only ate a light breakfast]. laugh at me, i don’t mind. it’s not a sin to faint, you know. anyway, the ortho suggested i go into rehab, undergo occupational therapy to regain the strength of my hand. i’m thinking it’s going to be agony going through those sessions because the rehab doctor prescribed pain killers for me to take AFTER the rehab session. good god.

below is an interpretation of my xray plates. goody! med talk>_>

I N T E R P R E T A T I O N

RIGHT HAND PA, OBLIQUE & LATERAL

        AP lateral and oblique views of the right hand shows complete transverse fracture of the middle third of the right 5h metacarpal bone with adjacent soft tissue swelling. The rest of the bones of the right hand including the carpal and visualized distal right radius and ulna are intact. The adjacent joint spaces are preserved.

Remarks:
Complete transverse fracture of the middle third of the right 5th metacarpal bone with adjacent soft tissue swelling.

from this day, i have to train myself to be a lefty so my injured hand would be able to rest and heal faster. oh lush.