Jealousy
Definitions
As with many of relationship
topics, a certain amount of attention to what we mean by particular words is
helpful and often necessary when discussing jealousy.
It is important to distinguish
jealousy from envy. To oversimplify, jealousy is angry, envy is wistful.
Jealousy is destructive, envy rarely is.
Insecurity, as used below, just
means a lack of security. It does not imply that the insecure person is bad, or
good. It does not imply that the insecurity is warranted or unwarranted. It
simply means that the person is not secure, either in themselves, their
relationship, or what have you.
Jealousy is Insecurity
This is an important point.
Feelings of jealousy always appear to stem from one’s sense that something
about their life is not secure, e.g., is uncertain or in danger.
Several readers have objected to
this particular point because they believe that insecurity is necessarily
pejorative. That’s not what I mean by the word. (I’d love a better word, but I
don’t have one.) It could be that this lack of security is very well
founded–that the partner is about to run off with ‘the other woman’. Is it
okay to be bothered by that? Of course it is.
In some cases, the insecurity is not founded on realistic
dangers to the relationship. If that is really the case, then you (the jealous
partner) may wish to consider where your insecurities are coming from. Solving
those sorts of insecurities isn’t easy, but until you do you’ll continue to
face those feelings.
Since we tend to become more
secure in relationships as they become more stable with time, you may find that
time is your ally in dealing with jealousy.
An Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Pound of Cure
There are things you can do to
mitigate or help existing insecurities. There are things you can do to avoid
insecurities before they happen. The latter things tend to be cheaper and more
effective.
If a partner does something which triggers the insecurity
of the other, that insecurity can feel like a breach of trust, and that is very
difficult to heal. Avoiding breaking trust in the first place is pretty
important.
You can avoid the loss of trust
to some effect through preparation. If you set your limits with the goal of
avoiding insecurity, if you make avoiding the creation of insecurity a goal, then
mistakes or misunderstandings can be dealt with in an environment that is still
sending the right messages… and trust may not be as damaged. Consider your
needs and commitments, too, before setting limits.
Of course, it is possible to
agree (together) to try and push a limit, e.g., to try it out and see whether
it does create insecurity in a partner. For some people, in some circumstances,
this is easier than waiting. To the extent that this agreement is within the
goals of both partners, even ‘mistakes’ here again aren’t as likely to create
dangerous levels of insecurity because they are mutually agreed upon.
Don’t Deny Jealousy, Deal with It
Okay, let’s say you’ve found that
you are jealous. It’s not going to be easy, but what can you do to solve it?
One of the biggest mistakes you
can make is to try and hide it (in the long term, that doesn’t mean you have to
display it at the moment you feel it.) Jealousy is usually a signal of
something needing fixing, and ignoring that usually only makes things worse.
Instead, I would suggest asking
yourself "What do I feel insecure about?" Do I feel unattractive or
uninteresting myself? Do I doubt the other persons love for me? Their physical
attraction? Do I doubt that I can have the type of relationship I want?
Once you’ve figured out what the
core discomfort is, then it’s appropriate to ask yourself if your fears are
well-founded. If it is, perhaps talking to your partner about what you are
afraid of and why you believe your fears are well-founded makes sense.
A different case is where you are
pretty sure that your fears are unwarranted, but you just feel insecure (often
about yourself more than the relationship) anyhow.
Other Ways of Dealing with Unfounded Fears
Therapy can be another good way of
dealing with unfounded internal fears. Unfortunately, there is often a personal
stigma attached to doing something like this, and that is truly unfortunate. It
doesn’t make you a bad, broken person to see a therapist. Instead, it makes you
someone who wants to be happy, and is willing to work towards making that goal
come true.
Sometimes its helpful to avoid
some sorts of situations, or to at least distract yourself from the elements of
the situation that cause you to feel jealous. If your partner and their other
partner are paying a lot of attention to each other at a party, perhaps you
might find it more comfortable to be in a different room, or to focus on
talking to someone else.
Sometimes jealous feelings can be
triggered because we have unspoken expectations of our partner that aren’t met.
You went out the last three Tuesdays, but then your partner wasn’t available
the next. If you find yourself expecting something unspoken (often a hard thing
to realize), you may find it helpful to sometimes ask your partner how they
feel about that ("We’re you thinking we should make a habit out of going
out on Tuesday?"). By clarifying your partners intentions, you’ll be less
likely to end up feeling disappointed and hurt.
Jealous Feelings vs. Jealous Actions
Unfortunately, it is all too
common that jealous feelings get translated into actions. While I have the
greatest sympathy for people who feel jealous in different situations, and
while I understand that those feelings can be painful, I have little patience
with people who use those feelings as an excuse for inappropriate, overly
dramatic, or violent behavior. Such behavior is at best unacceptable, often
unethical, and, when it becomes violent, illegal. And in general the pattern of
such relationships is that they get worse.
Are you in a relationship in
which your partner constantly makes false accusations about your intentions
because of his or her jealous feelings? Do these accusations proceed into
arguments, or, worse yet, violence? Does your partner seem to fear you having
friends, having a job? Do they try and control your life? If any of this sounds
familiar to you, you aren’t dealing with jealousy, you are dealing with abuse.
Domestic violence. Battering.
These words refer to more than physical violence. They
also refer to a whole relationship pattern in which the abused partner begins
giving up power and independence to the abuser because of the threat of the
abusers actions, whether those actions are premeditated or not. Abusers are not
necessarily proud of what they do, many of them are simply unable to control
their own actions. In many cases, abusers are survivors of abuse themselves.
But that doesn’t make it right, that doesn’t make it tolerable.
As a rule, peaceful negotiation
techniques and counseling have a poor record of turning violent relationships
into healthy ones. If you are in such a relationship, in particular if you find
that the situation is worsening, even slowly, you may be in danger, and my heartfelt
advice at this point is that you get out now.
Why are my feelings so strong on
this subject? Perhaps it’s the letter in my inbox right now from a person who
tried to work through an abusive relationship, and is now trying to work
through the damage the SWAT team did to the house when they had to be called to
deal with the abuser.
It doesn’t matter if you are gay,
straight, bi, transgender-ed, Lesbian, white, black, brown, green, or
polka-dotted, male, female, whatever, abusive relationships happen in every
segment of the population.
Nobody deserves to be treated
abusively.
