About Arguing
We might wish for an ideal relationship. One in which our partner
anticipates all our desires, keeps the passion burning indefinitely,
fulfills all our needs before we even realize we have them, showers us
with attention and unconditional love, is always there for us, gives us
just enough space, genuinely agrees with our opinions, shares the same
values, has the same approach to parenting, knows exactly what to say
to make us feel good, and says it at the right time, is great with our
kids, families, and friends, is good-looking, charming, considerate,
and appreciative. We might wish for it, but it would be unreasonable to
expect that such a person exists. Besides, after a while, being with
such a great-all-over person would get pretty darn annoying, making our
little flaws seem huge in comparison, helping us to build up
resentment, intensified by the recognition that there is really nothing
to resent, except for our partner’s perfection.
Once they leave the initial stage of the
relationship (a period that is as close to the ideal as it gets), real
couples have to face quite a different scenario. We realize that if we
are to be together, there are many things to be negotiated. Many of
these can be solved by peaceful discussions, but many conflicts provoke
hurt, anger, defensiveness, aggressive feelings, bitterness and other
strong emotions. In a long-term relationship, it is nearly impossible
to avoid negative feelings, misunderstanding and conflict. Some people
solve it by eluding all relationships beyond the limit of the initial
infatuation and their evasive maneuvers result in a perpetual chain of
short-term courtships, where passion is imperative but real intimacy
and commitment are missing. Others give it a sincere try but eventually
give up because the same conflicts go unresolved for years and the
couple move in circles, slipping into an old inefficient pattern every
time they start arguing about an important issue. Yet others learn how
to communicate and solve conflicts efficiently, which helps them to
experience the beauty of mutual understanding, fulfillment and deep
intimacy.
Conflicts might be inevitable in a long-term
relationship. However, destructive fights, that lead nowhere except to
hurt, defensiveness, disappointment and resentment, can certainly be
avoided. Negative, even aggressive feelings can be vented and resolved
in a constructive argument before they are bottled up and start
spoiling the positive aspects of the relationship. A healthy
relationship has room for open confrontation and constructive
criticism. If the couple fights constructively, the arguing becomes
less frequent, and communication becomes more effective. The
relationship becomes a ground for personal growth. The partners get
past their defensiveness and start to work out their inner conflicts,
to heal old wounds, get over their insecurities; simply put, they
evolve as individuals and as a couple.
Results of Your Arguing Style Quiz
Arguing Style:
Destructive Constructive
0——————————50——————————100
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
My Score: 50
Interpretation:
The results of the test you just took indicate that you are not a bad
fighter, but you still have a lot to learn when it comes to your
fighting style.
You might have very good reasons for using
inefficient fighting tactics. Maybe you didn’t have such a good example
in your original family. Maybe you have been hurt in the past. Or maybe
your present partner fights inadequately. Insight into the origins of
your fighting style might help, but by itself will not solve the
problem. You need to make an effort - a lot of thinking, reading, some
more introspection, and finally, learning how to incorporate the newly
acquired knowledge into your everyday behavior. Obviously, it would be
great if your partner joined you in this quest for a better
relationship, but if s/he resists, you can start by yourself. If you
start arguing differently (with clear ideas about what you want, a
solid stance and fair tactics), your partner will have no choice but to
adjust, because the vicious circle will have already been broken by you.
