iSkRamboLd th0ugHtS

We might wish for an ideal relationship. One in which our partner
anticipates all our desires, keeps the passion burning indefinitely,
fulfills all our needs before we even realize we have them, showers us
with attention and unconditional love, is always there for us, gives us
just enough space, genuinely agrees with our opinions, shares the same
values, has the same approach to parenting, knows exactly what to say
to make us feel good, and says it at the right time, is great with our
kids, families, and friends, is good-looking, charming, considerate,
and appreciative. We might wish for it, but it would be unreasonable to
expect that such a person exists. Besides, after a while, being with
such a great-all-over person would get pretty darn annoying, making our
little flaws seem huge in comparison, helping us to build up
resentment, intensified by the recognition that there is really nothing
to resent, except for our partner’s perfection.

Once they leave the initial stage of the
relationship (a period that is as close to the ideal as it gets), real
couples have to face quite a different scenario. We realize that if we
are to be together, there are many things to be negotiated. Many of
these can be solved by peaceful discussions, but many conflicts provoke
hurt, anger, defensiveness, aggressive feelings, bitterness and other
strong emotions. In a long-term relationship, it is nearly impossible
to avoid negative feelings, misunderstanding and conflict. Some people
solve it by eluding all relationships beyond the limit of the initial
infatuation and their evasive maneuvers result in a perpetual chain of
short-term courtships, where passion is imperative but real intimacy
and commitment are missing. Others give it a sincere try but eventually
give up because the same conflicts go unresolved for years and the
couple move in circles, slipping into an old inefficient pattern every
time they start arguing about an important issue. Yet others learn how
to communicate and solve conflicts efficiently, which helps them to
experience the beauty of mutual understanding, fulfillment and deep
intimacy.

Conflicts might be inevitable in a long-term
relationship. However, destructive fights, that lead nowhere except to
hurt, defensiveness, disappointment and resentment, can certainly be
avoided. Negative, even aggressive feelings can be vented and resolved
in a constructive argument before they are bottled up and start
spoiling the positive aspects of the relationship. A healthy
relationship has room for open confrontation and constructive
criticism. If the couple fights constructively, the arguing becomes
less frequent, and communication becomes more effective. The
relationship becomes a ground for personal growth. The partners get
past their defensiveness and start to work out their inner conflicts,
to heal old wounds, get over their insecurities; simply put, they
evolve as individuals and as a couple.

Results of Your Arguing Style Quiz
Arguing Style:
Destructive                                                                  Constructive
0——————————50——————————100
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
My Score: 50
Interpretation:

The results of the test you just took indicate that you are not a bad
fighter, but you still have a lot to learn when it comes to your
fighting style.

You might have very good reasons for using
inefficient fighting tactics. Maybe you didn’t have such a good example
in your original family. Maybe you have been hurt in the past. Or maybe
your present partner fights inadequately. Insight into the origins of
your fighting style might help, but by itself will not solve the
problem. You need to make an effort - a lot of thinking, reading, some
more introspection, and finally, learning how to incorporate the newly
acquired knowledge into your everyday behavior. Obviously, it would be
great if your partner joined you in this quest for a better
relationship, but if s/he resists, you can start by yourself. If you
start arguing differently (with clear ideas about what you want, a
solid stance and fair tactics), your partner will have no choice but to
adjust, because the vicious circle will have already been broken by you.

Definitions

As with many of relationship
topics, a certain amount of attention to what we mean by particular words is
helpful and often necessary when discussing jealousy.

It is important to distinguish
jealousy from envy. To oversimplify, jealousy is angry, envy is wistful.
Jealousy is destructive, envy rarely is.

Insecurity, as used below, just
means a lack of security. It does not imply that the insecure person is bad, or
good. It does not imply that the insecurity is warranted or unwarranted. It
simply means that the person is not secure, either in themselves, their
relationship, or what have you.

Jealousy is Insecurity

This is an important point.
Feelings of jealousy always appear to stem from one’s sense that something
about their life is not secure, e.g., is uncertain or in danger.

Several readers have objected to
this particular point because they believe that insecurity is necessarily
pejorative. That’s not what I mean by the word. (I’d love a better word, but I
don’t have one.) It could be that this lack of security is very well
founded–that the partner is about to run off with ‘the other woman’. Is it
okay to be bothered by that? Of course it is.

In some cases, the insecurity is not founded on realistic
dangers to the relationship. If that is really the case, then you (the jealous
partner) may wish to consider where your insecurities are coming from. Solving
those sorts of insecurities isn’t easy, but until you do you’ll continue to
face those feelings.

Since we tend to become more
secure in relationships as they become more stable with time, you may find that
time is your ally in dealing with jealousy.

An Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Pound of Cure

There are things you can do to
mitigate or help existing insecurities. There are things you can do to avoid
insecurities before they happen. The latter things tend to be cheaper and more
effective.

If a partner does something which triggers the insecurity
of the other, that insecurity can feel like a breach of trust, and that is very
difficult to heal. Avoiding breaking trust in the first place is pretty
important.

You can avoid the loss of trust
to some effect through preparation. If you set your limits with the goal of
avoiding insecurity, if you make avoiding the creation of insecurity a goal, then
mistakes or misunderstandings can be dealt with in an environment that is still
sending the right messages… and trust may not be as damaged. Consider your
needs and commitments, too, before setting limits.

Of course, it is possible to
agree (together) to try and push a limit, e.g., to try it out and see whether
it does create insecurity in a partner. For some people, in some circumstances,
this is easier than waiting. To the extent that this agreement is within the
goals of both partners, even ‘mistakes’ here again aren’t as likely to create
dangerous levels of insecurity because they are mutually agreed upon.

Don’t Deny Jealousy, Deal with It

Okay, let’s say you’ve found that
you are jealous. It’s not going to be easy, but what can you do to solve it?

One of the biggest mistakes you
can make is to try and hide it (in the long term, that doesn’t mean you have to
display it at the moment you feel it.) Jealousy is usually a signal of
something needing fixing, and ignoring that usually only makes things worse.

Instead, I would suggest asking
yourself "What do I feel insecure about?" Do I feel unattractive or
uninteresting myself? Do I doubt the other persons love for me? Their physical
attraction? Do I doubt that I can have the type of relationship I want?

Once you’ve figured out what the
core discomfort is, then it’s appropriate to ask yourself if your fears are
well-founded. If it is, perhaps talking to your partner about what you are
afraid of and why you believe your fears are well-founded makes sense.

A different case is where you are
pretty sure that your fears are unwarranted, but you just feel insecure (often
about yourself more than the relationship) anyhow.

Other Ways of Dealing with Unfounded Fears

Therapy can be another good way of
dealing with unfounded internal fears. Unfortunately, there is often a personal
stigma attached to doing something like this, and that is truly unfortunate. It
doesn’t make you a bad, broken person to see a therapist. Instead, it makes you
someone who wants to be happy, and is willing to work towards making that goal
come true.

Sometimes its helpful to avoid
some sorts of situations, or to at least distract yourself from the elements of
the situation that cause you to feel jealous. If your partner and their other
partner are paying a lot of attention to each other at a party, perhaps you
might find it more comfortable to be in a different room, or to focus on
talking to someone else.

Sometimes jealous feelings can be
triggered because we have unspoken expectations of our partner that aren’t met.
You went out the last three Tuesdays, but then your partner wasn’t available
the next. If you find yourself expecting something unspoken (often a hard thing
to realize), you may find it helpful to sometimes ask your partner how they
feel about that ("We’re you thinking we should make a habit out of going
out on Tuesday?"). By clarifying your partners intentions, you’ll be less
likely to end up feeling disappointed and hurt.

Jealous Feelings vs. Jealous Actions

Unfortunately, it is all too
common that jealous feelings get translated into actions. While I have the
greatest sympathy for people who feel jealous in different situations, and
while I understand that those feelings can be painful, I have little patience
with people who use those feelings as an excuse for inappropriate, overly
dramatic, or violent behavior. Such behavior is at best unacceptable, often
unethical, and, when it becomes violent, illegal. And in general the pattern of
such relationships is that they get worse.

Are you in a relationship in
which your partner constantly makes false accusations about your intentions
because of his or her jealous feelings? Do these accusations proceed into
arguments, or, worse yet, violence? Does your partner seem to fear you having
friends, having a job? Do they try and control your life? If any of this sounds
familiar to you, you aren’t dealing with jealousy, you are dealing with abuse.
Domestic violence. Battering.

These words refer to more than physical violence. They
also refer to a whole relationship pattern in which the abused partner begins
giving up power and independence to the abuser because of the threat of the
abusers actions, whether those actions are premeditated or not. Abusers are not
necessarily proud of what they do, many of them are simply unable to control
their own actions. In many cases, abusers are survivors of abuse themselves.
But that doesn’t make it right, that doesn’t make it tolerable.

As a rule, peaceful negotiation
techniques and counseling have a poor record of turning violent relationships
into healthy ones. If you are in such a relationship, in particular if you find
that the situation is worsening, even slowly, you may be in danger, and my heartfelt
advice at this point is that you get out now.

Why are my feelings so strong on
this subject? Perhaps it’s the letter in my inbox right now from a person who
tried to work through an abusive relationship, and is now trying to work
through the damage the SWAT team did to the house when they had to be called to
deal with the abuser.

It doesn’t matter if you are gay,
straight, bi, transgender-ed, Lesbian, white, black, brown, green, or
polka-dotted, male, female, whatever, abusive relationships happen in every
segment of the population.

Nobody deserves to be treated
abusively.

The Depression Test
Depression is one of the most prevalent and serious mental illnesses in
the world today; approximately one in four women and one in eight men
experience at least one bout of clinical depression in their lifetime.
Almost every one of us has, at one point or another, experienced a
"blue mood" as a result of a disruptive life event (like ending a
relationship) or day-to-day stress. However, true depression is a
pervasive feeling of sadness that impairs our general functioning and
lasts for more than two weeks. While we often throw around the word
"depressed" to describe any fleeting moment of unhappiness, depression
is actually a biological illness that doesn’t simply disappear
overnight.

As researchers and doctors work to better
understand the biological roots of depression, treatment options
improve and become more available. With proper treatment, in fact, the
feelings of despair, hopelessness, and helplessness can be alleviated
so sufferers can go on to live rich and fulfilling lives.
Unfortunately, the diagnosis of depression is often delayed, as
well-meaning friends and family tell the depressed individual to "just
snap out of it". Many people still carry the misperception that
depression is a character flaw, a problem that happens because the
individual is weak. Because of this stigma, people suffering from
depression often hesitate to seek medical treatment.

The first step towards breaking free of depression is diagnosing the
problem. The Depression Test is a good start, but if you show any signs
of depression you should not hesitate to seek professional advice.

My Score: 81
Interpretation: It’s common for people to feel a sense of hopelessness for a time when
undergoing certain traumatic but rather common life events, such as
significant personal or economic losses. However, this feeling seems to
be fairly persistent in your case and a serious condition may be
developing. Your feelings most likely interfere with your job
performance and/or limit your social activities putting a damper on
experiences that have great potential. It is important that you take
active steps to decrease the frequency and intensity of these emotions
so that they don’t dictate the way you carry out your life.

Look over the list of symptoms provided below. If your symptoms are
connected with a negative incident in your life, then you might
overcome them naturally if you give it some time. However, if there has
been no such incident, there may be cause for alarm. Depression is
treatable and the success rate is very high. You may feel now that
every day is a struggle, but it can get better. After some time, with
proper treatment, facing another day will become easier and gradually,
you will find joy again. Talk to a physician.

Some of the more common symptoms of depression are:

• Changes in sleep habits such as insomnia, early morning awakening, or sleeping too much.
• Changes in eating habits such as loss of appetite or weight gain.
• Decreased energy, feeling of fatigue.
• Restlessness and irritability.
• Difficulty in concentration, remembering, and making decisions.
• Feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, guilt or worthlessness.
• Persistent sad, anxious, or empty feelings.
• Loss of interest in pleasurable activities, such as involvement with loved ones or hobbies.
• Thoughts of death or suicide.

To fulfill the diagnostic criteria for major depressive episode (in
other words to receive an official diagnosis of depression), five (or
more) of these symptoms have to be present during the same 2-week
period and represent a change from previous functioning. At least one
of the symptoms must be either (1) depressed mood or (2) loss of
interest or pleasure (DSM-IV, 1996).

+++

Sex Personality [/gg]

Different strokes for different folks; it’s a common truth that applies
not only to every day life and habits, but also to the secretive world
of the bedroom. What starts one person’s engines may repulse another,
and everyone expresses the natural human need for sexual intimacy in a
unique and individual way. That’s the beauty of mankind - we are not
homogeneous robots. Just as we love and communicate with others in
different ways, so we bring diverse styles with us into the sack. These
approaches to sex stem from a wide range of factors; how in touch we
are with our sensual side, the way we learned about sex as we grew up,
our moral and religious beliefs, the strength of our need to express
ourselves sexually and the physical relationships we’ve had in the
past. All this is to say that there is no right or wrong way to be. What is important is being satisfied with the way you are and accepting your uniqueness.

My Score: 71
Interpretation: The results of the test suggest that you are very open-minded when it
comes to sexuality. You seem to welcome new experiences within the
realm of sex and even if you aren’t comfortable with a particular
ingredient of sex, you are very nonjudgmental of those who indulge
themselves. You are not threatened by the diverse sexual tastes that
make this world go round. In fact, you seem to be willing to tolerate
sexual behavior that colors outside of the lines of ‘normalcy,’ as long
as both partners are into it. Keep up the healthy attitude!

+++

Sensuality Test
Sensuality is an acute awareness of what the senses perceive. This
preoccupation or devotion to that which is smelled, felt, touched,
heard, tasted, and seen has some bearing on how one experiences life.
Studies have shown that people who are exceptionally sensual live for
the moment and are not hung up on the future or the past. What is
presently going on is enough to captures the sensual individual’s full
attention. This is an excellent recipe for happiness. Sensual people
enjoy experience itself, basking in actual acts rather than rushing
through them to get at some possible or imaginary end. In sum, sensual
persons take advantage of what life has to offer, living everyday as if
it were their last.

My Score: 90
Interpretation: You are one sensual human being! Yours is a hedonistic attitude, and
you deeply enjoy the sensual pleasures that life has to offer. Your
senses are also inextricably linked to your emotions and certain
sensual stimuli can evoke strong feelings. Therefore you tend to be
emotionally passionate. Because you get so much pleasure from your
senses, you are eager to experiment in life. This is positive since you
can make great discoveries and experience a lot of pleasure. It is
important, however, to keep yourself in check since people who delight
is sensual pleasures are at a slightly increased risk for addictions
(substance, sex, love, etc.). All in all, you have the innate ability
to use your senses to enjoy what this life has to offer!

+++

Self-Esteem Test
Self-esteem is essential to our ability to function in a healthy way.
Without the foundation of a solid sense of self-worth, we are unable to
take the risks and make the decisions necessary to lead a fulfilling,
productive life. A low self-esteem corrodes our love lives, careers,
family bonds, and, most importantly, our internal sense of well-being.
A high self-esteem, on the other hand, brings the high level of
confidence, problem-solving abilities, and assertiveness needed to
achieve what Maslow called "self-actualization"- a continuous desire to
fulfill potentials, to be all that you can be. People who have positive
self-esteem have healthier, stronger relationships with others. A
strong sense of self-worth actually creates a type of self-fulfilling
prophecy: the more you like yourself, the more you begin to act in
likable ways; the more you believe you are able to achieve something,
the more likely it is that you will. And the good news is that we can
all take steps to improve our self-esteem. After all, there’s nothing
more important than the relationship you have with yourself!

My Score: 55
Interpretation: According to this test, you have a reasonably high level of
self-esteem. There is, however, still some room for improvement. You
seem to experience some doubt about your own abilities, occasional
feelings of inadequacy and possibly even question your own self-worth
from time to time. Essentially, you sometimes get caught up in a
vicious circle; if you believe that you cannot do something, your
belief causes you to think and behave in a way that leads to your
eventual failure. Although your self-esteem is generally healthy, and
some insecurity is normal, it certainly can’t hurt to give your
confidence a boost. There is a wide range of resources available out
there on the subject, why not check them out? You’ll certainly see the
long-term benefits - increased confidence, better relationships, less
anxiety and an overall improved sense of well-being.

+++

Dependency Test
When it comes to relationships, one would think that there could never
be too much of selflessness and giving. However, for people with
dependent personalities, selflessness is very problematic because it’s
driven by fear. Dependent individuals operate to avoid rejection, to
keep their relationship intact, and to earn love. They often seek
approval and validation from their significant others to the point of
abandoning their own opinions, feelings, and values. Because the idea
of abandonment generates trepidation and the feeling that they won’t
survive, dependent persons’ desire to please their partner overrides
their own individuality.

People with dependency problems usually team up
with those who like to be in control. In the beginning, such
relationships might seem just right because the two people involved
complement one another and fulfill each other’s needs. However, in a
codependent relationship, the pleasure is sucked out of giving, and
both partners end up unhappy, frustrated, and distressed. The
controlling person often starts feeling suffocated and annoyed at the
neediness of the other and the dependent person often end ups feeling
taken advantage of and bitter. When the codependent relationship does
finally crumble, the dependent person is worse off than s/he was at the
beginning. S/he is left with no sense of self, and no one to take care
of him/her.

My Score: 0
Interpretation: This test has detected no major dependency issues. You know who you are
and what you want. You have confidence enough in yourself to stand up
for what you believe in and to match up with a partner who appreciate
your distinct individuality, respects your opinions and values, and
accepts your weaknesses. Kindness is a wonderful component of your
relationship; the giving and the taking are well balanced and the
responsibility for happiness, as well as for conflicts, is shared.
Overall, your relationship is healthy and fulfilling; it provides you
with the pleasure and the support needed to sustain well-being.

+++

Love Diagnostic Test
My Score: 82
Interpretation: Your Love Diagnostic Test results show that you are happy and confident
in the strength of your relationship. Overall, you and your partner
seem to have built a high level of intimacy and trust, and show respect
for each other as individuals with your own thoughts and needs. You
typically communicate well, show each other that you care, and don’t
suffocate each other being overly clingy. With this level of maturity,
you have what it takes to build a beautiful, stable relationship.
You’re cruising along the highway of love at top speed…so enjoy the
ride!

+++

Relationship Space

"It takes a loose rein to keep a marriage tight." - John Stevenson

Although there are no hard fast rules about what makes a relationship
work, many people will agree that trust and faith are fundamentals in a
long-standing and fulfilling relationship.

A lack of trust in your partner can manifest itself in a suffocating
attention to detail. This same suspicion can also keep you from getting
too close. Keeping a safe distance from your partner (a safe distance
can mean one thing for you and a different thing for your partner) can
leave him/her feeling unloved and alienated. As social animals, most of
us need a certain amount of warmth, visible attention, and interest
from our loved ones. But crowding your partner and not demonstrating
your faith in his/her judgment and/or integrity can have the same
seemingly paradoxical effect of driving him/her away.

Indeed, one can’t own and control another human being-but must let them
have freedom. And rarely can one remain entirely disengaged from a
loved one, without resulting in them feeling neglected and unloved.
Keeping yourself entirely out of your lover’s life is a surefire way to
extinguish a relationship.

The trick is to strike a balance of concern,
interest, affection, freedom, trust, and support. There is no perfect
ratio that applies to all relationships. Some people like constant
attention, while others need a lot of personal space and prefer to
bring up issues at a slower pace. A partner who feels your
whole-hearted trust and love will be more willing to divulge in you
his/her most inner feelings, to devote to the relationship and to you,
to give you the space that you need/desire, and the attention you love.

My Score: 40
Interpretation: According to this test, you give your partner quite a bit of space.  This can mean several things. 

Perhaps your partner prefers to be let alone. Or maybe you are the one
who requires space-in which case, make sure that your partner
understands your love for him/her. S/he could easily interpret your
detachment for not caring, so make sure to communicate your perspective
and show your love in other ways. Remember, there are no strict rules
for relationship success.

Another possibility is that you might not feel ready for a serious
‘coupledom’, which may translate into a fear of commitment-. In this
case, you have to consider why you are in the relationship, how
important it is to you, and whether you want to apply yourself a little
more in order to salvage it. Things might seem okay now, but your
partner will sooner or later catch on to your potentially overly casual
attitude, especially if s/he is on the other side of the spectrum. This
type of relationship tends to be difficult to sustain.

Or perhaps you simply aren’t enjoying your partner and have slipped
into a kind of lethargy. If that’s the case, ask yourself these
questions: Is this problem chronic? Why am I not into him/her anymore?
Why is the gap between us widening? Can these things be worked on? Why
and why shouldn’t I invest energy into this relationship? It might be
time to open the lines of communication to their full capacity and
potentially enlist the help of a couple counselor.

However, if things seem to be working out and
you and your partner are happy with the arrangement, you are a rare and
lucky exception. If this is the case, keep on doing whatever works - if
the couple is happy, nobody can claim that anything is wrong!

Jealousy
0——————–50——————–100
IIIIIIIIIIII
My score: 23

What does my score mean:
Most people experience a certain amount of fear that their loved one
could leave them for someone else. After all, these things happen, and
when they do, it is usually very painful. You, on the other hand,
appear to have a complete lack of jealous feelings. If you were honest
with yourself while taking the test, this means that you are extremely
secure, strong, and independent. You know that if your partner ever
leaves you, you will survive with your self-esteem and dignity intact.
You realize that even though you might love your partner very much,
s/he is not the only fish in the sea, and that you would eventually
find happiness with someone else.

Take the jealousy test here, you green-eyed monster.

This is for the ones who believe their lives won’t change
Hoping that someday things will mend and be the same
This is for the ones who have lost it all when all that’s left to gain
Is a simple reminder that the things that were blind to slip away…

How can I say…
Say I’ll be okay…

And if I fall through these days that go by without cause
Just a painful mistake has left me here on my own
And if I fall through these nights I can’t seem to go on
Just a sign that you’re with me gives me the strength to hold on

Now that the lines been broken
I’m too afraid to just look back
The pages have left an empty space
You were all I had
Why does it have to be this way
These things they’ll never change
Still I’m left with knowing, content and happy, this is all I need…

You took it back
Well how could you go and do something like that?
My fingernail phase
Worst has got the best of you
I ask you and I know I need to change
Change

You took it back
You ripped my heart out of my then you put it back
I’m pulling my hair
I let you just a million times
I love you even though it isn’t fair

Run we go around again in circles
Play this game over again
Run we go around again in circles

This was my song about 4 years ago and the title I adopted as my pseudonym `tiL about junior high. I still love the song, but the band….hmmm I loved them during their 1st and second album ^_^; LOL hey!! I think they turned gay, don’t blame meh

+++

I want you to be mine
I’ll turn your water into wine
If you feel cold inside
I’ll try to cover you tonight

I keep on talking to myself
I just don’t know
What’s in your head
I want your love,
That’s what she said
You little bitch
I want you dead

CHORUS:
It’s all right
Get out of my way
She’s so fine,
Oh I feel the same

You’re crawling up inside
Is this the place
You try to find
I can’t control my mind
I want to leave
I want to hide

Shezzo Wicked

Someday you’re gonna realize
One day you’ll see this though my eyes
By then I won’t even be there
I’ll be happy somewhere
Even if I cared
I know you don’t really see my worth
You think you’re the best guy on earth
Well I’ve got news for you
I know I’m not that strong
But it won’t take long
Won’t take long

Someday someone’s gonna love me
The way I wanted you to need me
Someday someone’s gonna take your place
One day I’ll forget about you
Someday, someday

Right now I know you can tell
I’m down and I’m not doing well
But one day these tears they will all run dry
I won’t have to cry, sweet goodbye

I can resist everything except temptation.
My body breaks, but I am still intact inside.
My human instinct, I can love unconditionally.

Cross my heart and lie to you
(My conscience plagues at me, fills me with this despair) Failure within me.
Promise you and let you down
(Emotion conquers my soul, robs me of myself) Brings me to my knees.
Follow me, lead you astray
(Nourish myself with fear, give me the pain to fail) Loathe myself to sleep.
Your words kill me.

You can breathe without oxygen and live without sorrow.
How I envy you, though pity your ghost.
Ignorance is bliss I wish I could never love you.

Cross my heart and lie to you
(My conscience plagues at me, fills me with this despair) Failure within me.
Promise you and let you down
(Emotion conquers my soul, robs me of myself) Brings me to my knees.
Follow me, lead you astray
(Nourish myself with fear, give me the pain to fail) Loathe myself to sleep.
Your words kill me.

So ironic that a heart made by man, when broken is easily fixed.
But a human hurt can last a lifetime.

Rust or decay.
The fire or the flame.
You and I will lead the path to change. (Pave the way)

yes, i congratulate you, enemy. you have practically succeeded in disrupting my normal life. every waking and conscious moment of each dragging day is filled with thoughts of you and how the image of your absolutely horrible face ruins my sun-shine-y day, my self control, my security. the mere whisper of your name summons thoughts of you that mounts my paranoia ten times over. i pray i could turn back time and not be acquainted with you as you have shattered my trust and my self esteem. yes, go on, carry yourself with the pride that you bask yourself in. i shall slowly pick up myself from the muck you dragged me in because one day, miserable as i am now, i will carry on. you and your cohort have managed to trample on my pride without your knowing. rejoice for i have entertained and have started to live in my insecurities that you have aroused. you have redifined my being. i can no longer trust, and perhaps love like i had. you are my nemesis–someone who i can not defeat–and i acknowledge that. i now know that there is no stopping you from ruining my life even if i refuse. i can not shrug you off because you are a burden in my heart–the heaviest by far–and possibly the curse that the gods sent me for trampling over other people’s ego. i must have done something terrible in my past life to deserve a curse such as you in my current life. thus i have to live each miserable day looking at the faces of the people associated with you, activities associated with you, songs, movies or objects associated with you. the mere thought of walking within  the portals you likewise walk makes me turn on my heels and run screaming profanities. the feeling of sitting on a chair you once possible have been seated on hauls the contents of my stomach. yes, i abhor you that much and you are the only person who has awakened such feelings within me. never had i thought i would encounter an emotion that would consume me so furiously that it clenches my heart more than any previous incidents had. having said it all, i congratulate you sincerely. my loving sarcasm can not slice through nor remove any of the turbulent feelings you have awakened within my once healing soul.